September 15, 2004

SECRET STUFF: The vice squad cops first noticed the big, luxury car cruising slowly up and down the street in one of the seedier sections of Harrisburg, Pa.

This was an area known for prostitutes – male as well as female - and it was evident to see, the driver was interested in transacting some “business.”

As police moved in, the young man at the car window started to run, but didn’t get far. His “John,” a forty-something, slightly graying “gentleman of means” had nowhere to go. Except the police station.

There, arresting officers discovered their “collar” may have scouted out teenage boys at night, but he was a colonel and student at the Army War College during the week!

A search of the Cadillac’s trunk revealed a stack of porn magazines. Why the officer chose to carry them around with him puzzled the cops. Maybe he felt he wasn’t “safe” having them in his living quarters on post.

FAVORED TREATMENT FOR THE BRASS – In situations like this – as in the case of the drunken colonel who was nailed by Carlisle police driving his red truck erratically with lights off after dark – the offender is usually turned over to the military police.

Then it’s up to the commandant if any real “punishment” is dispensed. If the offender is a fellow “ring knocker” (like the colonel was with his “pal,” “Pathetic Bobby”) the officer gets a “slap on the wrist,” if that, and goes his merry way.

The “double-standard of justice” has been around a long time at Carlisle Barracks. It’s not what you do - it’s who you know. We coined the phrase “Different spanks for different ranks” in U.S. News & World Report [cover story on military injustice] in the December 16, 2002 issue.

As for the colonel mentioned at the start of this item, he was turned over to the MP’s, too. But nothing came of it. He even graduated with his class! We can only hope he isn’t out there somewhere today – for this incident took place long before the bully Huntoon arrived in Pennsylvania to “punch his ticket” as post commandant.

RANK HAS ITS “PRIVILEGES” -- Yes, the colonel (who surely holds flag rank, if he’s in the system now) may still be seeking out handsome young male officers with the zeal of a now-deceased four-star general who was famous for the phrase “Be all you can be!”

That martinet ended up dying of a certain unmentionable disease, our sources at Walter Reed tell us. The general may have been a workaholic and vicious taskmaster during duty hours, but this “bachelor” liked to “fraternize” with his young, willing AIDES after dark.

The real cause of death was, of course, hushed up. A “cover story” was created. The four-star had a “blood disease” the PAO shop proclaimed, and was “valiantly” battling the bug as he continued to serve Uncle Sam, even after retirement.

We can only wonder what the thousands of service members, all of lesser rank and without connections, would think if they had known about the powerful general’s “special treatment” while they were dumped out into a ditch somewhere, without VA benefits or medical care, to face a slow and agonizing death?

“COVER-UP” AT CARLISLE BARRACKS – We have many friends at Dunham Clinic, past and present. And we want to emphasize to Huntoon and his right-hand man, “NO COMBAT” Colpo, the following item was fed to us by someone who is no longer there, and thus beyond your grasp. So don’t even think of conducting a “witch-hunt” at the med facility. It will get you nowhere, general, except shorten your already troubled tenure before you become the third flag officer in a row to close out your career at Carlisle Barracks by leaving the Army without promotion.

What would happen to a SPC E-4 in the garrison if he or she failed the HIV test? We all know the answer to that! But let’s substitute a different rank in the equation. How about 0-5 and 0-6? And let’s say they (both males) failed the test but were allowed to graduate with their class at the Army War College?

Well, it happened, we are told, and not that many years ago. The Command did a good job of keeping everything quiet, but as the fat cats and brass hats on post now realize, nothing escapes the attention of and CARLISLE BARRACKS CAPERS.

Continued abuse of the civilian and military workforce on post breeds even more CI’s to replace those hunted down or scared off during the recent “reign of terror” at the Barracks.

For example, we know all about a certain scrawny, flat-chested, lesbian officer with a face (and haircut) that makes “Whistler’s Mother” look like a beauty queen. She, a vocal critic of this web site, practically flaunts her perverted lifestyle in front of colleagues at Carlisle Barracks. As one co-worker told us: “For one who lives in a glass house, she shouldn’t be throwing stones.”

The man-hating dyke lives off-post with her “girlfriend,” a washed-out former cadet at West Point. Sometimes this aging officer shows up at official functions with her “friend” in tow. What would happen if a male field-grade did the same thing?

That would be very politically-incorrect. Yet another “double-standard” existing at the Army’s once-premiere military installation. Lesbians just love being assigned to Carlisle Barracks. They can operate with impunity!

The stench of hypocrisy that rises up into the air from Root Hall and other locations on post, would gag the angels themselves if they could smell the noxious odor of “cover-ups, frame-ups, set-ups, double-standards, waste, fraud, abuse, sexual offenses, favoritism, racism, discrimination against female employees, and other crimes that occur there with some degree of regularity.

THE PAO SHOP -- Gen. Huntoon can’t sleep too soundly at night, knowing his fast-track, former Pentagon flack, LTC Merideth “Bumbling” Bucher is on the job. Not if she has a year like her first at Carlisle Barracks. There’s something to be said for a DINFOS diploma being an absolute requirement for anyone occupying an 0-5 billet as a PAO lieutenant colonel in the U.S. Army. Quotas and favors for pals aren’t good enough. The person holding such a sensitive post, should be the best qualified, not the best connected.

But we have hopes for the obnoxious colonel. There’s still time for her to go down to Fort Meade and get that needed “sheepskin.” Learn how to do your job the way it should be done, Bucher, so that you don’t make absurd remarks that are quoted on the front page of the Harrisburg PATRIOT-NEWS, the Associated Press and even the DRUDGE REPORT.

In the years before the Army switched the job title to “Public Affairs Officer,” the trained professionals in that post were called “public information officers.” That was when that position involved the dissemination of actual news. Not “propaganda.” Well, at least not as much as today.

Nowadays, the PAO needs to know how to “parse” words with the skill of a Bill Clinton. They act as “public relations” flacks for whoever is their “boss” (and senior rater) and, from time to time, as in the case of “Bumbling” Bucher, they find out being less than forthcoming with the civilian media is fraught with peril.

Common sense is a vital ingredient to the job description. You can’t be “arrogant” to the non-military media you are trying to influence. It will “back-fire” on you every time.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF “INFORMANT” – We’ll end the column this month with the tale of a certain top NCO who once worked for PEE-WEE over at MILPO. Seems the senior sergeant, who we’ll call TWO-FACE, was one of the best “plugged-in” workers on post.

He saw and knew most everything, and “information” is a currency in itself. He liked to gossip in the lunchroom and was a charter member of the “knee-pad brigade.” No one could out-sycophant him!

Anyway, came the time this noncom “smart-mouthed” a ranking officer on the telephone. There were swift “repercussions,” and TWO FACE went crying to PEE WEE to “save” him from his own arrogance and stupidity. The offense was too great, however, and the “sarge” was given a choice of shipping out to the boondocks or putting in his retirement papers. He decided to pack it in.

It’s been a number of years, but we just want TWO FACE to know we were “on to you” from day one. In fact, we played you like a violin. More than one CI pumped information out of you without you’re knowing it. And now you are a “nothing.” Well, maybe not. At least you’ve been “written up” in CAPERS. It was long overdue.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Attention - any former or present members of the civilian or military community at Carlisle Barracks who have information you think would be of interest to us regarding the JAG office on post, especially during the period 1994 to the present time, please go to our home page and click on “contact us.” We would love to hear from you. Thank you.]

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